The last two days have been weird. i finished my last exam and went to hand in all my books, kept running into different people, people i know i will never see again and by the time i left the sceince block i was in tears. i walked a different route out of school visiting all the places that i had been happy and all the memories they left me with. it upset me to know that all those years there have been wasted on break ups and make ups and just how shallow those people are. I have been a loner this past year, surrounding myself only with a select few, but then i felt bitchy towards the others and have been trying to talk to all those i havent in these past few weeks. i am glad out of the whole experience i leave with two best friends. so yea after i had left school i went down to common garden street to wait for my bus and Gen, Sally and Mikki were there, they helped to cheer me up and dried my tears if only untill i got home. it was a nice day so i got into my bikini and went to catch some sunshine before this horrendous weather arrived. Took my book with my but my eyes were too blurred and so i lead there the sun on my back and sobbed my heart out. it felt good to cry, with no one to hug you or cheer you up you can cry for a long while until the tears wont come anymore and your eyes run dry. i needed people with me that day but the only person i wanted to be with, to talk to, i can, you would have been 20 next weekend. i dont know why you came to mind i suppose i havent cried like that for so long all the things that were building up inside let go and i felt free. i wanted to fly. i wanted the rain to come down and for me to lie there until my whole body trembled. loving life because i still can. but the rain never came but the clouds did. blocking out my sun, making it cold so i went inside, exhausted from the day and slept. yesterday i woke up like a new person. i was happier than i have ever been in a long while and i felt alive, there was no longer the numbness that has been filling me. i have decided crying is the best medicine. i went to my mums school yesterday and created a underwater display. it looks really good and i am so pleased with the results i cant wait for all the kids fishes to be finished. i need to do something. i need to be somewhere. The innocence of the children was amazing it felt so great to be surrounded by the un touched, unaware future, where their dreams to be astronauts and vets and doctors and nurses and police men seemed so real.
Friday night was geoffs rugby ball. it was awesome i love getting dressed up, looking semi decent pretending to be a beautiful princess, someone who im not. i was pretty drunk as [url=http://nanooku.tblog.com]caz[/url] can probs verify as she was texting me and when i read my replies in the mornin they didnt quite make sence. i got really excited tho when she suggested "gatecrashing" the sugarcult concert. it would of been wicked. its been so long since ive had a good girly night out. even goin for the curry would have been amazing just chilling out having a laugh. caz has this sort of presence that instantly puts you at ease i just love spending time with you girl.
I was gutted when i got home and spoke to my mum, the new tent had arrived and she was taking my sisters camping but she couldnt put the tent up on her own. we had a blazing row. i was so excited about my night out. Im glad the tent arrived tho it will come in useful for the party this weekend. Camping was ok. we went to bouth a little place in the lakes, its one of my favorite places to go. oh that reminds me i need to let dan know we are going to dent in a fortnight. ive missed them guys, they are some of my best friends and i havent seen them for over two years. anyway back to the camping. im a bit allover the place today. it was ok the tent went up good and we went for a lovely meal at the pub. i think i should take some mates down there for a weekend away during the summer. interested???
oooo isnt this turnin into a long blog? for me anyway. ive written letters for caz and rachel. you need to come and get them from me on tueday. ive got a feeling i might be in a bit of a state. love you lots x x x
Ok where do you want me to begin? Yea the bbq thing upset me, but its not all that. That was the start yea but it has just escalated from there. I know its not all you fault just as I know its not all mine. I feel used. You know that used. It feels like our friendship has all been one way. As soon as things were good you didn’t want to know anymore. I don’t want anything from you I shouldn’t need anything from you I thought you were my best friend. The blame isn’t all on you either. I don’t care what people say. I know I’m not liked and I sure as hell know people bitch about me, but I don’t care. If people don’t like me for who I am then I’m not gonna change to be someone who I’m not. Why should I change for them? Having a boyfriend does not change a friendship. I don’t want to go out with you. I understand you look younger I don’t pressurise you into everything but you came into garstang with us a couple of times the second you had chris it stopped. I guess I just got fed up of asking.
When life gets you down think about the future and what life holds for you and SMILE. It’s a beautiful world, full of beautiful people doing beautiful things.
I went out last night for the first time in weeks it was an immense time and I’m so glad I went out. It started off with me, Geoff, Ian, Andy, Anthony and Cropper but our group grew very quickly. We started in Varsity, and I drank as many double vodkas n redbulls as quickly as I could while everyone laughed at me. I managed about 4 before starting to feel the effects. We then took off to Bently’s for some cocktail fishbowls but it was closed *cries* so we went to H20 for a dance and more vodka redbulls. We then went to Walkabout for more dancing and I ran into Holly Taylor ^shocked^ she looked well grown up. By this time it was time for more dancing and less of the alcohol in Liquid. ~not my favourite place in the world but I enjoyed myself~ we saw Luke Ketts, Perry and Geoff someone or other, he has a poodle from what I can remember. It was weird, scary almost as town was so dead. We kinda think its because everyone is going out today for the England match instead. Anyway the scariest bit about it was I knew practically every other person I saw. ALL UNDERAGE! How dare they? I’m the only underage drinker allowed out round Lancaster! Well…..
You annoy me so much. Im just avoiding you and i think you know i am. you know the reason i am too. im fed up of always making the effort with this friendship. now you have HIM its always HIM what happened to US? our friendship? in fact i dont care. im outta there in three days then you will realise when i dont call or you dont see me for months. OK we have the same group of friend out of school, but they were my friends first, i introduced you to them. i introduced you to HIM i thought you would be good together. I WAS SO RIGHT. and then out of the blue comes a...
"Good Luck Kel"
What on earth do you want from me? Tell me please. i know once the exams are over we will never talk again. Its not my fault.
a really good friend of mine has just worried me greatly. you know who you are. i suddenly realised just how little i had been thinking about others recently ive been off in my own little world. im sorry if you needed me and i wasnt there. luckly all was good. i love you, ive written you a letter too, your not allowed it untill after the exams tho. i screwed up my spanish today i came home and cried i suppose i wasnt really bothered about it until after the exam so i suppose its all my fault.english tomorrow.. UGH oh well its my own silly fault for messing up everything. ooo 6mths on sat! :D
im pissed off. i cant beleive you want to get away with treating people the way you do. if you hadnt noticed the whole god dam world doesnt evolve around YOU! it was a celebration of 5years that are about to end n you threw it in my face. ok im not gonna be there anymore, and aint i fucking glad!
oh n on a lighter note BTW i got my job everyone! YAY in september i shall be a working girl! :D
just one of those days, nothing to report, nothing to do. i feel fine. got work tonight dont wanna go but hey. the sun is shining everything is good, and im counting down the days.... At exactly this time in two weeks there will be no more school EVER
Supposidly people dream in black and white...... i do normally but last night i drempt in colour. It wasnt anything in perticular i drempt of either. My normal dreams consist of people and places. A regular is walking past a bench in a big japanese garden. I dont know where ive never been to japan but there is someone different sat on that bench every time i dream it, just sat there is a little kimino(SP?). I dream of people in everyday locations but with extrodinary reasons or outfits or just thing being out of places. Imaginable happenings happening. I think much more when i dream. and visualise so much... its like a hugh maze of my imagination. Things i could never decipher in my head during the day flow freely at night..... im sure all that thinking is why im so tired during the day :?
Anyway on to last nights dream..... this was in colour. NO this was colour. Swirls of amazing beauty. Every single colour and shade imaginable. It sparkled and glittered and changed every second. I woke up feeling so sick..... worse than i have ever felt before. I went for a drink, weak tea works wonders after a bad dream... and i felt fine.....Went back to bed and started dreaming in good old black and white again.....
I wish life was simple again..... my sisters have it so easy. they go to school play out at playtimes, make daisy chains, skip, jump, sing, laugh. i cant remember the last time i laughed so hard it hurt. whats life without laughter? When life was simple we went to the park after school, played untill it started to go dark, and then ran home, scared of the boogie man! When life was simple we had water fights and played with toys. [u][b]It was fun[/b][/u]
I cant wait for the exams to be over... its only four tech lessons.... and counting. then i can make daisy chains all day. there will be no stress, no anger, just happy summer days with nothing to do and everything to live for!
Hmph im in a weird mood.... incase you hadnt noticed?!
well its been a pretty weird couple of days.... where to begin? it was aarons funeral on friday. it was upsetting but i was glad i went to say goodbye.. ive been up to the grave since and it is sad. such a waste of a life. We went to the pub with all of aarons friends... lemmie think... me, nadz, yatty, geoff, ant, ian, chloe, amy, amy's bf, hayley, nat, andy b, andy h, ric, will, rick b, samby, stu and a load of other people. we got drunk and thought about the good times. Then on sat i did my IT coursework. Finished finally... then i didnt do much after that..... oh yea i went out sat night too with my mum to lanc..... we got quite drunk again my mums so funny when she is drunk. on sunday i had work.... it sucked..... then i went home and watched the patriot....... it was quite moving really Monday was a lazy day.... i watched minority report and zoolander and then flicked through mission impossible 2 and pearl harbour untill i fell asleeep with my baby...
Hes gone away today.... Magaluf for 3days with the lads on a stag do.... should i be worried??? :?
There is no pain.... should there be? I feel guilty, i know its not my fault. it hurts! My ex commited suicide. There it is down in back and white only it doesnt feel real, nothing does today..
i wake up its a normal day.... get ready for school go for my bus have a laugh keep smiling, nothing feels strange and ten minites later i feel collapsed.
im fine one min... i sort of forget, smile almost then i remember and feel selfish for forgetting. We were together for a year, a whole year, he was my first love, my first proper relationship and now he is dead and i dont know how to feel.
We havent spoken since we broke up.... and i wish we had.
The anger that was between us neednt have been there. we could have been friends.
so now i sit here not knowing what to feel.... we lost garry at christmas but he'd had an accident.... deep down we could all see it happening, but aaron....... sighs
just some song lyrics to sum up just hope im feeling right now... will explain later
[i]You're all I have in this teenage twilight Your golden hair and pale blue eyes But through all the days and the sleepless nights We have never been satisfied Tumbling like the leaves Yeah we are spiraling on the breeze Almost to the point of no return Everything will Burn Baby Burn
Look into my tired eyes See someone you don't recognize Binds that can't be untied Oh this is slow suicide Feelings that I can't disguise And later we'll be reconciled Oh but something inside has died
You walk like you're in a daze Unresponsive eyes in a distant gaze Like all the good times have flown away And the memory leaves a bitter taste Tumbling like the leaves Yeah we are spiralling on the breeze Destructive love is all we have Destructive love is all I am
Look into my tired eyes See someone you don't recognize Binds that can't be untied Oh this is slow suicide Feelings that I cant disguise And later we'll be reconciled Oh but something inside has died
Vicious bitter words Becoming more and more cruel But you always take me back And let me lick your wounds Tumbling like the leaves Yeah we are spiraling on the breeze Almost to the point of no return Everything will Burn Baby Burn
Look into my tired eyes See someone you don't recognise Binds that can't be untied Oh this is slow suicide Feelings that I cant disguise We're living in a compromise Oh but something inside has died[/i]
oh i love this song... it sums up the beginnig of an end which is where i feel my life is going right now, round n round in circles. seeing the same old faces but with different names, different places same old faces. who are we? what is the point?
round n round n round n round
[[b]i][u]my names dory and heres my story im from the reef n i dont eat beef[/u][/i][/b]
hee hee..... i wanna go to the love parade in amsterdam this year.... its gonna be amazingly kinky! hee hee
erm not alot to say really.... need to make a fansign for the very sexy [url=plainclothes21.tblog.com]plain[/url] hee hee i will make it you tonight..... or maybe sometime over the weekend but dont worry you will get it.
so yea im goin to blackpool on saturdaY pleasurebeach during the day then out clubbing with my cousin at night...
[url=squidge.tblog.com]nadia[/url] has really sexy new hair too
well ive nearly finished my art..... its comin on well ive just got to fasten all of my layers together on wed next week and it will be finished :D im so happy that its starting to work....
:cry: goodbye mummy :cry: i will see you on sunday
i miss my mum when she goes away ya know. . . . she is like my mother n best friend all rolled into one.... and when i dont get to speak to her for a few days i miss her like crazy.... i probs miss her more than i do my b/f
WEIRD
oooo all go visit [url=squidge.tblog.com]nadz a.k.a the very sexy squidge[/url] because she is lovely..... MWAH kisses for you
ummm ooo stopping at geoffs tonight gotta cook for him. . . at his house, i dont like using other peoples kitchens they scare me..... might go out for a drink or two but who knows........ its gonna be like we are living together and that level of commitment just scares me right now.
grrr got a detection tommorow night i am not happy!! my mummy will shout! nah she wont really.... probs get me out of it actually! oooo i love my mum.
ive got another new bed and this one is so comfy and it doesnt squeek,groan or moan! YAYNESS
oooo i love this song isnt it so pretty.... [i] I won't hurt you I’ll protect you I won't let the rain fall down I’ll always be around
and baby I will understand if sometimes you just want to spread your wings and fly and let your colours shine
and everyday I wanna be a risk you take make a promise that will never break for life
you're my butterfly don't fly away open my hands your free praying you'll come back to me you're my butterfly don't fly away you're my reality always be my gravity you're my butterfly come on and touch the sky you're my butterfly
I won't forget you or neglect you won't let no-one take your place in your eyes I see my face
and baby do you know that everybody watches every time that you take flight they're blinded by your light
every day the feeling's gonna be the same I can promise that will never change for life [/i]
